Monday, August 31, 2009

Nick Names for Sale

If you've ever watched European hockey leagues you probably wondered what team the players played for. The Djurgarden Peugeots? The Copenhagen Tissots? Huh? With all the ads covering their jerseys, it's tough to tell exactly which are brandname logos and which are their team logos. I remember there being rumblings about bringing that over to the NHL to bring more revenue into the sport. I dreaded it and didn't think I could stomach watching my Leafs with McDonald's logos plastered all over their sweater. Well, I have come up with an idea to end those talks before they start up again. I'm sure you are as tired of uncreative nicknames as I am. Why is it that all NHLers these days just take the first syllable from a players' name and add a "y/ie" or "er" to the end? I mean Kabby, Komi, Ovie, Caber? That's just lazy and basically kills any notion that they will ever have a cool nickname. Since they're wasting their potential, why not make the most of it and sell the rights to their nickname for a few bucks? Looking at the Leafs roster, here's a few that I could really push for them if they let me. Luke "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser" Schenn
The human eraser is probably the only good thing to come out of Pierre Maguire's mouth, ever. So why not take advantage of such a rare moment? My pitch to Mr. Clean would be simple. Luke Schenn is strong, durable and rubs dirt off the boards. The kid is so impressive he sells himself. I'll still take my 10% cut though. Jason "Smith & Wesson" Blake
If you're unfamiliar with Smith & Wesson, you are probably Canadian or a peace loving hippie. S&W are the largest manufacturer of handguns in the United States. Right off the bat, there's a noticeable resemblance between the two, they're both made in the USA! You want to stop somebody dead in their tracks? Pop them a couple of times in the chest with 9mm. Well, Blake's accuracy is just as outstanding. He never seems to have any trouble hitting goalies square in the chest. SOLD! Lee "Scotch Invisible Tape" Stempniak
There are times when you need when you need visible tape; like when you're painting your house. Then there times when you really wish you had some invisible tape; like when you break your glasses and need a quick fix. Well, I can't think of a more invisible player in the NHL than Lee Stempniak. I can't really tell you what he brings to the table because I don't even notice him on. There's been a rumour circulating around that the Ann/Annhog/Who?/Egg character from Arrested Development was actually based on our buddy Lee. Colton "Trojan Magnum" Orr
Colton Orr was brought in for his size and his ability to protect his teammates. True, Burke probably didn't need an enforcer that big, I mean Tie Domi wasn't exactly huge, but like most men, he felt the need to over compensate. Mike "Firestone" van Ryn
While one is made of black rubber and the other is known to hit black rubber, they are both known to explode under pressure. Now Firestone probably won't be happy with van Ryn if he's on the shelf all the time. Well that's okay, we'll have an open clause in their contract where they can jump from player to player. Once van Ryn is on the DL, we can assign the name to Colaiacovo, Gaborik, Havlat and many other viable candidates around the league. If van Ryn is willing, we can also infuse Firestone rubber into his bones and watch him wipe out when making sharp turns. Wayne "Tampax" Primeau
Tampax is probably the most famous brand of tampons available and why not? They're proven and dependable (I would only assume). Wayne Primeau is basically the tampon to the NHL's vag. He's not exactly a player somebody would want on their team, I would straight up call him a plug. When the game is going at too quick of a place, I'm sure Ron Wilson won't hesitate to throw him on the ice to stop the flow of the game. As far as stopping leaks, I guess we'll see how much of a pounding his face can take. Jeff "Hermes" Finger
Now I don't know how many of the visitors that visit my blog are female, but if you are, you probably knew exactly what that picture was of while most of us males were left scratching our heads. It is a Hermes Feu2Dou Canvas bag and it costs around $5,650. It's expensive, not flashy and you can get a bag from Walmart that serves the same purpose for $56.50. Sound familiar?

Now in case this idea ever gains momentum, I started it first and I fully expect a cut from every deal made!