First Impressions

So the first pre-season game has came and gone. Not a ton you can gather from it but it was enough to make me salivate a bit. Here's my impressions of the whole event.

The Tail-Gate

I guess the idea was nice but a tail gate party organized by a billion dollar corporation? That just spells fail right there. Where are the lawn chairs? Where are the BBQs? Where are the RVs?

If you were hungry, the only could choose between Pizza Pizza and...well, Pizza Pizza. If you were thirsty, you can get a free can of Coke Zero or buy an overpriced tallboy. There were a few badly organized events as well. I noticed a Johnny Bower signing. At least I think it was a signing as I didn't see any signs or information about whether it was a signing or just a meet and greet. There was also a ball hockey tournament that was played in a fenced area about the size of a grave plot. It seemed like anybody could sign up as I saw a team of 20 something year olds demolish a team of 8 year olds. And like with any corporate event, there were sponsors trying to get you to sign up for shit. For the last time, Toronto Star, I don't want to sign up for your paper because 1) I can read it online 2) Damien Cox, Dave Feschuk and Rosie Dimanno...nuff said and 3) I don't really appreciate your telemarkets calling me every few months to beg me to subscribe to their special offers. The only saving grace was that they hired a decent band in Sloan. Imagine if went with Simple Plan or Nickelback instead.

Seat-Service

I was lucky enough to sit in the golds. I'm sure this isn't available in every seat but they offer seat-service in the golds. Considering how rich, lazy and fat the people who usually sit in the golds are, I bet they find it mighty convenient to have their food delivered to them. I'm not hating, because I would hate to stand in line for 15 minutes just to get a beer but can the servers at least wait until play stoppages to walk up and down the aisles?

Tyler Bozak

I was excited about getting Bozak before I even knew who he was. I mean, his name is just so fun to say and he's the motherfuckin' Seventh Samurai! This kid will be a good player for a long time. Looks like a natural leader out there. Great speed, a good set of hands and defensively responsible. Looks like Wilson trusts him enough to put him on the point on the PP and he also took an important faceoff with less than a minute left in Bruins' territory. As for the shortie he scored, my errection still hasn't subsided.

Viktor Stalberg

When was the last time you had faith in the Leafs' group of prospects? For as long as I've been a fan, I don't remember being so excited for the young kids. Stalberg has blazing speed for somebody who's 6'3. I imagine Kaberle firing cross ice passes to a streaking Stalberg will be a beautiful sight for years to come. The whole Animal House Line (is that what we're coining it?) looked good but I thought Bozak and Stalberg outshone Hanson.

Nazem Kadri

I thought Kadri played a strong but not outstanding game though he seemed to get better when he got some quality linemates later in the game. Had some good chances and almost tied it late in the game. He's a highly skilled forward with a mean streak which could be seen on a few tenacious forechecks. I definitely see why Burke drafted him. I'll enjoy his short stay with the big club but I'd love to see him come back next year to contend for a spot once he adds some more muscle.

Phil Oreskovic

Two bad penalties, two lost fights...not quite the way to make the team. With the logjam we have at D, I don't see Oreskovic getting a shot with the Leafs this year. I would even guess that he would be a career minor leaguer.

Colton Orr

This man is one bad motherfucker. He was on full display in the first, hitting everything that came in sight. He will definitely be a fan favourite if he isn't already. But apparently with all that brawn, he does have a soft side as he displayed when he was giving Kadri some advice. I have yet to see this as I was at the game. Hook up a link if there's one available!

Andre Deveaux/Jay Rosehill

They both know their roles and both wanted to impress as they both dropped their gloves. There's no way they will both make the team so they are in direct competition with each other. My guess is that they both won't make the team and will spend the rest of their careers in the AHL with the occasional NHL call up when Colton Orrs breaks his fist over Georges Laraques' face. Take that, vegan!

Jason Allison

Jason Allison was slow three years ago...having not played since did not make him any quicker. He tried to make an impact out there early on but as the game progressed he just floated in the neutral zone. It also seemed like he lost a lot of face offs. Not much to say other than he won't be making the cut.

Jersey Fouls

I'm not sure if it was the free game factor or not but there were plenty of jersey fouls to be seen. Most of which were personalized with their last name. I did notice a #64 with the name Mojo Radio (which is now defunct). Unfortunately, I didn't see anything clever or any #69 McLovin jerseys. Oddest jersey I saw was a #30 Tom Barrasso. Tom Barrasso played 4 games on the Leafs in the 01-02 season. If you tell me that that's really a lie and that you just went in to his wikipedia page and added that, I would totally believe you. I have no idea what his thought process was when getting that jersey. The only explanation is that his last name is Barrasso or he is related.

The Wave

How does one start this idiotic event? I mean, it would have to make more than one person to get the wave going, right? Does the person starting this yell out "Let's do the wave!" before standing up and flailing their arms in the air? Do they arrange it with a group of people they're sitting with? Does the retard signal in their brain just go off simultaneously? The wave is something I never understood and will never participate in. I reckon that the guy who starts the wave is also the first guy who slows down to stare at an accident on the highway.

Burkie's Dog House

With all the articles surrounding Burkie's Dog House, there's no way I could have went to the game and not try this. I got the bacon wrapped dog and it was as good as it sounds. The hot dog was topped with cheddar, honey mustard and caramelized onions. It was good eatin but $8 for a dog is a bit much. I shall find that prime rib sandwich the next time I head to a game.

Nick Names for Sale

If you've ever watched European hockey leagues you probably wondered what team the players played for. The Djurgarden Peugeots? The Copenhagen Tissots? Huh? With all the ads covering their jerseys, it's tough to tell exactly which are brandname logos and which are their team logos. I remember there being rumblings about bringing that over to the NHL to bring more revenue into the sport. I dreaded it and didn't think I could stomach watching my Leafs with McDonald's logos plastered all over their sweater. Well, I have come up with an idea to end those talks before they start up again. I'm sure you are as tired of uncreative nicknames as I am. Why is it that all NHLers these days just take the first syllable from a players' name and add a "y/ie" or "er" to the end? I mean Kabby, Komi, Ovie, Caber? That's just lazy and basically kills any notion that they will ever have a cool nickname. Since they're wasting their potential, why not make the most of it and sell the rights to their nickname for a few bucks? Looking at the Leafs roster, here's a few that I could really push for them if they let me. Luke "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser" Schenn

The human eraser is probably the only good thing to come out of Pierre Maguire's mouth, ever. So why not take advantage of such a rare moment? My pitch to Mr. Clean would be simple. Luke Schenn is strong, durable and rubs dirt off the boards. The kid is so impressive he sells himself. I'll still take my 10% cut though. Jason "Smith & Wesson" Blake

If you're unfamiliar with Smith & Wesson, you are probably Canadian or a peace loving hippie. S&W are the largest manufacturer of handguns in the United States. Right off the bat, there's a noticeable resemblance between the two, they're both made in the USA! You want to stop somebody dead in their tracks? Pop them a couple of times in the chest with 9mm. Well, Blake's accuracy is just as outstanding. He never seems to have any trouble hitting goalies square in the chest. SOLD! Lee "Scotch Invisible Tape" Stempniak

There are times when you need when you need visible tape; like when you're painting your house. Then there times when you really wish you had some invisible tape; like when you break your glasses and need a quick fix. Well, I can't think of a more invisible player in the NHL than Lee Stempniak. I can't really tell you what he brings to the table because I don't even notice him on. There's been a rumour circulating around that the Ann/Annhog/Who?/Egg character from Arrested Development was actually based on our buddy Lee. Colton "Trojan Magnum" Orr

Colton Orr was brought in for his size and his ability to protect his teammates. True, Burke probably didn't need an enforcer that big, I mean Tie Domi wasn't exactly huge, but like most men, he felt the need to over compensate. Mike "Firestone" van Ryn

While one is made of black rubber and the other is known to hit black rubber, they are both known to explode under pressure. Now Firestone probably won't be happy with van Ryn if he's on the shelf all the time. Well that's okay, we'll have an open clause in their contract where they can jump from player to player. Once van Ryn is on the DL, we can assign the name to Colaiacovo, Gaborik, Havlat and many other viable candidates around the league. If van Ryn is willing, we can also infuse Firestone rubber into his bones and watch him wipe out when making sharp turns. Wayne "Tampax" Primeau

Tampax is probably the most famous brand of tampons available and why not? They're proven and dependable (I would only assume). Wayne Primeau is basically the tampon to the NHL's vag. He's not exactly a player somebody would want on their team, I would straight up call him a plug. When the game is going at too quick of a place, I'm sure Ron Wilson won't hesitate to throw him on the ice to stop the flow of the game. As far as stopping leaks, I guess we'll see how much of a pounding his face can take. Jeff "Hermes" Finger

Now I don't know how many of the visitors that visit my blog are female, but if you are, you probably knew exactly what that picture was of while most of us males were left scratching our heads. It is a Hermes Feu2Dou Canvas bag and it costs around $5,650. It's expensive, not flashy and you can get a bag from Walmart that serves the same purpose for $56.50. Sound familiar?

Now in case this idea ever gains momentum, I started it first and I fully expect a cut from every deal made!