Friday, July 31, 2009

One for the Ladies

Disclaimer: Hungry Leafs Fan is not responsible for any pregnancies during the reading of this post

I'm heading to a wedding this weekend. It will be the first of my high school friends to get married. This got me wondering..."Who would make the perfect pro athlete wife?" I came up empty. I simply couldn't think of any good looking female athletes. I mean there's a couple of decent ones.
Sharapova is kind of cute, there's the pole vaulter, Allison Stokke but I didn't want to go there since she may be underage and Jenny Finch is okay if you like the porn star look. There just doesn't seem to be any bombshells in female atheletics. They mostly look like the Williams sisters, Chyna or Hayley Wickenheiser. *Shudders*

The female sports fan has it good. Though there are enough
ugly male athletes the number of good looking ones balances it out. Where is the female equivalent to David Beckham, The Vesa or Luke Schenn? So instead of looking for the perfect pro athlete wife, I took to my friends and family to find the perfect pro athlete husband.

Shirley: Jason Kapono because he's a stud and he's not too big (that's what she said) compared to other basketball players. He also doesn't play a contact game so I wouldn't have to worry too much on game days.

Okay Shirley, you do know that Kapono is 6'8, right? She also said "orrrr maybe Shaq because he's funny" right after naming Kapono so I don't know what she wants!

No, seriously. I don't model underwear, I play basketball.

Check out my sweet stroke

That's great Jason, now let's see your O-face.

Lisa: Jarome Iginla because he's a great guy and a great hockey player. He scores yet he's not afraid to get his hands dirty.

Iginla is great. He's charitable, great with his fans, a true class act. Only true douchebags like Canucks fans can legitimately hate this guy. Heck, I might even have picked him is he didn't look like a beluga.

He disposes Canucks for a living. How can you hate him?

Suit up!

Leave the helmet on, Jarome. It covers your belugaish forehead.

How's my O-Face? More Oh and less Ah next time

Aileen: Sidney Crosby! He's from Nova Scotia and people there are nice. He's also very poised for somebody his age.

Yes, Aileen. But he also looks like a weasel. If you ever do nab him, make him promise you he will never attempt a playoff beard again.

If a female becomes the next commissioner, I have a feeling hockey will be played shirtless

I may or may not sleep with a night light

High school graduation?

How's my O-Face? Act like you've been there before, rookie. Oh, you haven't?...

Jackie: Anthony Parker. He's good looking and humble. He can also hit clutch buckets.

Hmm...I'm not sure if I want a guy who will always be overshadowed by his younger sister. And he moved to Cleveland for god's sake.

Fuck off, Kapono. Me! I'm the best looking Raptor.

The feud between Parker and Kapono for best looking Raptor ended in a tragedy as their half time walk-offs became a distraction and they both got the boot.

How's my O-Face? The best yet.

Al: That's easy, Tom Brady! He's got it all. He's good looking, he's the best QB in the NFL and what more can you ask for, really?

Brady may be taken but he is definitely the McDreamy of the NFL. Watch out Gisele...
It's like he's staring right into my soul


Yes, we're going to be making some good looking babies.

How's my O-Face? FIERCE!

Kurt: Vince Carter because he takes care of business.

Right, if crumbling on the floor and quitting on your team is business then he definitely does take care of it. Just don't sign the pre-nup, Kurt.

He sure knows how to handle balls between his legs

I hope you like him in a suit because it's a sight you're going to have to get used to


Christine: Georges St-Pierre! He's so cute, his French accent is adorable and I love his perfectly chiseled body.

Richard: GSP. He's so dominant in his sport, he's ripped and classy.

Okay, GSP is a great answer. He is the definition of a beefcake. I just have a problem with his partying ways. Plus he likes the Habs and the Oilers.

No Georges, I won't be able to 'andle da riddum.

I hope you like it on the bottom because GSP loves being on top

How can you reject a well dressed man?

The O-Face is a bit goofy and can use some work but other than that, he's totally sponge-worthy

Now as you can see, I had a plethora of studs to choose from and that doesn't even include names like Cristiano Ronaldo or Jesse Palmer. However, I chose to take a different route. My pro-athlete man-crush is Roger Federer.

Now Federer isn't ugly but I wouldn't say he's a bonafide stud either. He seems like a great guy. He's humble, classy, he dominates his game (that's right, Nadal can suck it), he's loaded (hey, I need the financial security!) and average seems to be his cup of tea.

Yes! Being your man-crush is probably a greater accomplishment than my grand slams.

The unbuttoned top button let's me know he ain't all business.

Mr. Federer & Mrs. Average

How's my O-Face? Intense!

With millions of pro athletes yet to be mentioned, I'm sure I left your main man off my list. Are you a chubby chaser? Maybe you like the scruffy look? (hey, I'm not here to judge) So let's hear it. Who's your pro athlete hubby/man-crush?