.26

Numbers can tell you a lot of things, sometimes I would even say they're stronger than words, but without putting it into context, numbers are really just a couple of meaningless digits.

Let's say I throw up the number .26. What does that mean to you?

It could be something inconsiderable like the amount of change you have you in pocket or it could be something with a greater significance, like the difference between gold and silver. Now what does .26 mean from a baseball perspective? (no, this isn't a rant about Vernon Wells and his $126 million batting average. I promise.) .26 is the reason the Tigers didn't make the post season.

I'm sure that for the past couple of days you have all heard Tigers fans whine incessantly about the hit by pitch that never was. In case you've been living under a rock, the pitch occurred in the top of the 12th with the bases loaded and one out. The HBP would have given the Tigers a run with 2 outs left, ultimately deflating the Twins and possibly giving them a chance at the Yankees. Instead, the Ump called it a ball and Inge ended up hitting into a fielder's choice with Cabrera forced out at home.

Was it a botched call? Absolutely. Just judging from the photo above, there's no doubt it got a piece of Inge's over-sized jersey. Sure it wasn't a real hit by pitch where Inge gets a shiner for his troubles but rules are rules, he should have been awarded the base. However, over the years we have learned that umpires do tend to screw up calls from time to time and are quite stubborn about it (video replay is something baseball really needs but I'll save that for another time). Frankly, I don't even think the Tigers should have been in that position. Nevermind their embarrassing slide from first, two nights ago they were up one game with one game to go. A win here and they clinch! So one game at home against the sub-500, Alex Rios employing, Chicago White Sox should be an easy win right? Wrong! And you can blame this guy.

Miguel Cabrera was taken to prison on that very morning. Here's a rough time line of what I suspect happened

After Friday's game: Miguel goes partying with some White Sox buddies
Start of party - 5:00-5:30 AM: Miguel is busy getting his crunk on, son!
5:31-6:04 AM: Miguel gets home drunk as shit and wakes up his kid. Wife gets angry and they throw down.
6:05 AM: Wife calls the cops.
6:06-7:29 AM: Cops come and puts Miguel in jail.
7:30-8:00 AM: Tigers GM, Dave Dombroski picks up Miguel from prison.

Somewhere in there Miguel blew .26 into the breathalyzer. Point motherfuckin' two-six! I have no idea how much that is exactly since I've never blown into a breathalyzer but considering it is over three times the legal limit and that Cabrera is 6'4 240, I would think it's a lot.

Now being one who has had a copious amount of experience in being shitfaced wasted, all I can say is WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, MIGUEL?! You have the biggest game of the year right in front of you and you decide to get plastered the night before and enter the game with no sleep? I don't know about you but after a full night of drinking, I can't even walk to my mailbox, nevermind blast homers in front of a crowd of 40,000. But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that shit's your pre-game ritual. I don't know how you crazy South Americans do things but for the love of god don't go and get arrested doing it. You don't think your actions have an effect on your teammates? You don't think it would get in their heads? You don't think reporters will bring this mess up to them? Seeing how you went 0/4 and left 6 players on base, I would warrant that being hung over took its toll on your game too. What you did was selfish and if I was Dave Dombroski I would exile your ass to a team nobody gives two shits about...like the Blue Jays (one could dream).

So Tigers faithful, you can complain about the HBP all you want but it was a position you shouldn't have had to face, not if it wasn't for .26 anyway. Take it from me, somebody who knows all about botched calls.

How to get Americans to Embrace Hockey

Gary Bettman has been pretty focused on one thing ever since becoming the NHL commissioner; selling the game to Americans. What if I told you he's been doing it all wrong? Forget about the teams in the Southern states; let's bring teams back to Quebec, Winnipeg and damnit, let's give Balsillie his team to put in Hamilton. Forget that Americans don't like fighting; let's remove the instigator so we can see more donnybrooks. Forget the shoot out; hockey's a team game. You want to know what the saving grace for hockey will be in the states? FAKE REFEREES!!!

Let me be the pitcher tonight, I caught last night

The Blues Jays gets about the same amount of coverage in the states as hockey does. There has only been two instances this season where they received American mainstream media coverage: Roy Halladay possibly getting traded at the deadline and the fake umpires. The fake umps have had articles written about them, they got their own Sportscentre piece and even the Yankees gave them free tickets to do their thing in Yankee stadium. If there's one thing to be learned here it's that Americans absolutely love it when a couple of douchebags dress up as umpires. So why wouldn't this work for hockey?


The attire is pretty standard. You need a striped ref shirt, black pants, a black hockey helmet, a whistle and the orange armbands to separate you from the linesmen.

However, differentiating what should be a penalty and what shouldn't be a penalty can be pretty difficult with the way the game has changed since the lockout. The following is a guide with some of the more common penalties for you to print out to bring to games so you will know when to get right up to the glass, blow your whistle and call two minutes for high sticking.

Interference/Obstruction: I will start you off with one of the most common penalties in the game today. This penalty is supposed to be called when Player A interferes with Player B when Player B doesn't have the puck, hence interference. However, in recent years, I have also learned that this is also the universal signal for "I don't know what the penalty is but I think one should be called". Remember this one, you will be using it a lot.

High-Sticking: This penalty should be called when Player A's stick is above their shoulder and clips Player B. Very often, a high-stick will draw blood which is an extra two minutes for the offender. History shows that this penalty is not called in playoff games when a star player commits it, no matter how bad the other guy bleeds.

Tripping: This penalty is called when Player A uses his body or stick to trip Player B. If Player B embellishes it, then it appears that you must call both the trip and the dive, never just the dive alone.

Holding: You will call this when Player A takes a hand off the stick and grabs Player B to restrain them or to slow their progress. This is probably the easiest penalty to call. Just look for the guy who immediately drops his stick and puts up his arms when you look at them.

Hooking: This is called when Player A uses his stick to restrain Player B. You know it is a hook when Player A lets go of his stick and the stick is still trapped under Player B's arm. That's how tight the hook is. It will take the jaws of life to pry it from Player B.

Spearing: When Player A stabs Player B with his stick. This is an automatic 5 minute penalty but as the ref, you can let them off easy when Player A promises to giggle for you after the game.

Slashing: When Player A swings his stick at Player B and makes contact. This penalty is not only called when it is stick on body. It is also called upon stick on stick contact. You should blow your whistle and call this anytime you see a broken stick on the ice because it must take a vicious slash to break one of those technologically advanced sticks nowadays.

Roughing: This penalty is called when Player A punches Player B (usually in the head or face) when the two are not in a fight. Roughing can also be called when two players get into a fight and one player doesn't throw a punch. The winner will get 5 for fighting and the punching bag will get a roughing minor for roughing up the winner's knuckles.

Elbowing: This penalty is called when Chris Pronger extends his elbow to meet his opponent's face.

Cross-Checking: This is called when Player A uses the shaft of his stick to forcefully check Player B. It appears that professional referees will let this slide up to 4 times. It won't be a penalty until the player does it 5 times in a row.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: This is called when a player chirps at the referee or acts like a soccer player. There is one exception to this rule. Any ref who calls unsportsmanlike on Crosby will be fined an undisclosed amount.

Boarding: You call this penalty anytime a player's back is facing a Montreal Canadien.

Those are some of the more common penalties you will see in a game.

If you have a friend who wants to join in the mix, they can gladly be the linesman. The linesman's job is to call the icings, the offsides and to break up fights. That last part will be key when fake reffing in Philadelphia.


Well, I did my part. If you want hockey to blow up in America then the rest is up to you. Put on that zebra shirt, strap on that hockey helmet, only you can help fill up the seats at the Jobing.com arena in Phoenix.

Now remember, real refs don't take days off so you shouldn't either. Feeling tired, maybe you missed a call or two? Well, that's okay. The good thing about reffing an NHL game is that you won't be penalized for missed calls if you can lie about being screened on the play. You know, because it's not like there's anybody who can prove you wrong or anything.